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What do these three men below have in common?

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1. Christina Applegate’s Memoir, “You With The Sad Eyes.” Memoirs are really having a moment right now. After reading Strangers, I was so annoyed with her and actually excited to not read any other memoirs for a while. Unfortunately, I couldn’t ignore the rave reviews that Christina Applegate’s book was getting and I’m happy I didn’t. Her life is wild, crazy, and inspiring. I felt a lot of things during this, and especially love how open she was about her eating disorder. I also learned that the body holding onto stress and trauma is really not good, and it’s something we can all try to work on more.

2. This outfit Jennifer Lawrence wore. I know that Jennifer Lawrence tries, but tries to seem like she doesn’t try. And I know this because she said it herself on this episode. Anyway, I’m obsessed with these jeans that she is wearing. I really want to buy them but it makes me sad that good jeans cost almost $300 today so I had to text Fallon to see if I can justify it and to my dismay she told me that they are too similar to my Still Here jeans. Sigh. Maybe I’ll ask Steven to get them for me for Mother’s Day.

3. Zara Larsson tiktoks from her concert of her bringing fans up to sing Lush Life with her and do the dance that all of them somehow have memorized. I don’t know what it is about these videos, but I am sobbing hysterically in every single one. Even the ones where it’s not a little girl coming up at all. I didn’t even appreciate these songs before I started getting served these videos on my tiktok algorithm and now I simply cannot get enough. I NEED MORE. SEND ME YOUR FAVORITES, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

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It’s kind of frightening, this notion. The biggest signs of having a hater type friend are actually not those in your face type of signs. They are much more subtle. I’m going to dive into them:

1. They aren’t happy in their own lives. At least in one area of their own life. It’s most likely the area where you yourself are succeeding and they may think they are failing. The problem is you may not know they are “failing” in this aspect because they haven’t shared it with you. So this is a harder one to figure out.

2. They’re a secret hater to another one of their friends. But then they hang out with them, all of the time. If they are a secret hater about one of their friends, why wouldn’t they be the same about you? And I don’t mean just gossiping, because everyone does that.

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For anyone who hasn’t read the book and for some reason still wants to move forward and read this substack (????) it’s about a marriage that dissolves in COVID lockdown when the husband tells his wife of 20 years that he is leaving her and their 3 kids and all of the responsibilities that have to do with them. He is also, so very originally, having an affair with a woman half his age.

After admitting the affair, ending his marriage, and abruptly leaving, he ends up coming back to his family’s home in Martha’s Vineyard to join his soon to be ex-wife in telling their children they are divorcing. He proceeds to not even take off his mask during this conversation and then somehow finds the audacity to ask the woman he is abandoning to make him a sandwich. AND SHE DOES! I wanted to jump through the pages and strangle the both of them. If my husband had an affair, told me he was leaving our family, and then didn’t even have the decency to take off his mask to share the news with our kids, I would POISON HIM. Or kill him with the knife I used to make said sandwich, which would have been the only reason I had agreed to make it to begin with.

Throughout this book, so many red flags about Belle’s marriage came up that I simply couldn’t help but make a list of them:

1. He was only interested in her after learning who her family was. They had worked together at a law firm, and for a while she was just another associate. When he found out her family was old money and had status in New York, he all of a sudden started to pursue.

2. He wanted to edit their prenup. A prenup is pretty fair. The standard prenup is that anything that is yours before the marriage should remain yours in the event of a divorce. Any wealth accumulated during the marriage should be split 50/50. “James” who I believe goes by the real name of Henry P. Davis (obviously I have been reading all the reddit threads) wanted to edit the prenup. He wanted it to instead say that anything each person earned during the marriage would remain their own, unless it was put in both names and only assets jointly titled would be shared in a divorce. Ladies, please don’t ever go against your lawyer when it comes to prenups.

3. He started working for her uncle soon after they got married. Nothing says golddigger or simply lazy fucking loser than your husband working for your family. Especially when they are highly qualified to not have to. Ick.

4. He rode a motorcycle. Nothing says “I’m going to have a midlife crisis” more than riding a motorcycle. Also extremely unsafe. You have 3 kids.

5. He actually said the words “I’m a family man.” Calling yourself a family man is like calling yourself chill. If you have to say it, it ain’t true. He clearly wanted to project the image of being a family man, but deep down he never, ever was. That is also evidenced in how devastated he was by losing his best friend. Obviously we would all be devastated if we lost our best friend to an overdose, but his was about him, not the friend. The loss of his friend signified a loss of the “fun” part of him and his life. The travel adventures where he could pretend he was someone else entirely.

6. He never dealt with his family trauma. Men who have not gone to therapy are simply not healed. This guy had no intention to ever deal with his issues and therefore he repeated history.

7. He never properly celebrated his wife’s birthday. He would fall short every year on her birthday. Even when she would set him up to win. If your man can’t celebrate you ONE DAY out of the ENTIRE YEAR, nope!

8. Belle’s best friend Lynn’s opinion of him. If your best friend says they can’t understand or connect with your husband, read between the lines. It means she hates him as a person. And she’s your best friend, so she’s probably right.

9. He might be an alcoholic?? This one is not as proven and I know lots of people like strong drinks at the end of the day. But there is a theory inside me that it’s very possible those drinks got a little more frequent once they went into COVID lockdown. A vodka on the rocks is not a cocktail… it’s just vodka.

All of that is to say that the signs were there. Belle isn’t a perfect person either, and I believe she knows that. She had no involvement in their finances and she essentially abandoned her life and who she was when they had kids. I don’t think she ever found that person again, clearly until her life as a divorcee. She had a line in the book which went something like, “none of these would be red flags for you until after you got divorced, too.” Is there some truth to that? Maybe. I know a lot of women, me included, who outsource things to their husband. I know a lot of women who devote their lives to being a mother. Marriage is complicated because people are complicated. The book is an incredible read and it does show you in a lot of ways how two married people can become strangers. But please, dear god I beg of you ladies, be alert to red flags before it’s too late.

L

In many cultures, men are socialized to lead, provide, and take initiative. When a man is type A and the woman is type B, it aligns with traditional expectations. This tends to reduce “role conflict” in couples who value traditional dynamics. Keep in mind, I am a person who values traditional dynamics. If you’re listening to my podcast and reading my substack, chances are you are, too.

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1. Things I’m consuming right now

2. JFK Jr Doc first 3 episodes

Hi!!! Hope everyone had a great Valentine’s Day and didn’t spend it with someone who isn’t worth their time. I just finished the first 3 episodes of “Love Story: JFK Jr and Carolyn Bessette” and I am fired up! Really, deeply loved it. And can’t wait for more tonight at 9pm but who’s counting? Also who decided that Traitors, Love Story, and The Pitt should all release at the same time? When it rains, it pours. But when it’s dry, it’s DRY! Can you space them out a little please? I can’t stay up later than 10 these days and the choice is impossible.

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“If we’ve been on 5 dates, should he acknowledge Valentine’s Day?”

Every year I have the same answer. Yes. And if he doesn’t, the message is LOUD and the message is CLEAR. I once broke up with a boyfriend I was dating for 2 years on Valentine’s Day because I woke up and realized I didn’t feel appreciated. And to this day, I have no regrets. Do I think this is a bullshit hallmark holiday? Absolutely. But the fact of the matter is, it exists! And men know it exists. You can’t pretend you don’t know it’s coming.

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As women, we tend to lean empath. It’s just how we are conditioned. That is positive for so many reasons, but the negative is that we can be too quick to forgive, especially when we really like someone. Not everyone deserves our kindness all the time, especially when it’s someone we are newly dating.

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• had a very long term relationship

• were engaged or married before

• share a kid with someone else

• are in the same social circle as their ex

So how do we approach this? Obviously we’re not going to be able to be TEGG (that easy going girl) because we know this girl doesn’t exist and we’re not going to pretend she does. I know it’s really challenging, but in my case at least with Steven, I try to be in gratitude to his past. It’s everything that he experienced that led him to me. Steven falls into that category above as he had a 4 year long relationship that predated me.

Is it annoying that his family photo albums have photos with her in it?

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She went on to say that she wishes her BF didn’t have Instagram at all. According to Sarah and some of her friends, women use Instagram very intentionally. Who they follow matters, and they are constantly editing and auditing when it comes to the content they consume. Men are not the same. The experience many women are having is that men follow a plethora of girls on Instagram. The only requirement is usually that they’re hot.

Do we think that guys who follow a lot of women on Instagram are less serious about their relationship vs. guys who don’t follow any? You better believe I put that poll up today. So, what are the rules here? Let’s start with the rules for men in relationships:

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On the first date, it’s important to cover the bases. You main goal is to observe how you feel around this person. Do they bring out a fun, bubbly, comfortable side of you? Do they make you good nervous, or bad nervous? By the first date you should have discussed things that you may already know about them (for example if you met on a dating app you would know where they grew up, went to school, and work). But you should also know a tiny bit more. Sibling situation? Close with parents? Friends are mostly from college or more from high school? That type of thing. You can also ask when their last relationship was.

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Here is a mix of the DMs I received:

89% of you said now is good. What I really think you mean is yesterday would have been good. But in defense of the follower who wrote this in, these conversations are hard! I will say, if you’re moving in together, you should have a general idea of “are we in this forever.” If you’re not aligned on that or at least have the confidence to know that it’s going in that direction, that’s a problem.

One of these responses ^ says “how are we waiting 2 YEARS to discuss these things?!! My boyfriend and I talked about this since month 3 and we are only a year in!” The problem is, it’s SO easy to get stuck in a position where if you don’t address it early, it becomes weird to discuss it once you’ve been together for a while. Obviously the best case scenario is talking about it on the earlier side, but depending on your age and your communication styles, we don’t always get that lucky.

That is why a lot of us find ourselves months in, or even years in, not having the clarity we need. And this is where the slippery slope of an ultimatum can happen. No one likes an ultimatum, so what can we do to avoid those? I got you.

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Oh boy, was I wrong! This movie got my wheels turning more than any other movie I have seen in a long time. SPOILERS AHEAD! Let me be clear, this isn’t the best movie of the year. This isn’t Oscar worthy. However, it does make you think. In the line of work I’m in, it was important for me to watch this. It made me think deeply about love and relationships and who you are meant to be with.

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Another commenter wrote, “Avoid unlucky people unless you wanna become unlucky too!” So let’s break it down. What does it mean to be a victim? A victim mentality means constantly seeing yourself as powerless and wronged by others or circumstances, believing bad things always happen to you, and feeling unable to change your situation, often by blaming others and avoiding personal responsibility. It’s a persistent mindset where you interpret events negatively, seeking sympathy and feeling helpless, distinct from a temporary feeling of being victimized after a real trauma.

I’m not saying that people who see themselves as victims haven’t been victims before. And if you have, my heart goes out to you and I have genuine sympathy. But after some time, you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and it’s more about how you react to situation. “Everything bad happens to me” is a very different mindset than “everything bad happens for me.” When you think things happen for you, you see what they are teaching you.

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Is it these brutal November and December months? Or does the pendulum swing no matter what? Probably a mix. The only person I really know who has never been dumped is my own husband. Or so he claims… but that’s not the flex that he thinks it is. Everyone should be dumped at some point just like everyone should be fired. Don’t worry guys, I humble him enough lol.

My point is, next time you are ghosted, hurt, dumped, slighted, just know that the pendulum for that person who did it to you is about to swing in the other direction. It always does. I wouldn’t even call it karma as much as I would call it life. What goes around certainly comes around and is pretty unavoidable.

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New TV

All Her Fault on Peacock. A masterpiece. So many twists and turns it’s like a great book come to life. Also very accurately portrays the mental load that women and mother’s often take on.

The Beast In Me on Netflix. Claire Danes is always amazing - other than the sometimes annoying faces she makes - you get it. Matthew Rhys 100% will be nominated for this role. Just overall a really great show with great acting. Brittany Snow is a cutie too. I did sort of predict the ending but I tend to do that because (as I remind Steven of every day) I was a film major OKAY?!

The Kardashians. Tried and true. Easy to have on in the background while you are working from home. No need to really pay attention. Just comforting.

The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives Season 3. NGL, it hasn’t peaked yet for me but apparently it will after 3-4 episodes so I’m waiting. I do love the drama.

Real Housewives of SLC. I’m so sick of the boat, but this cast is iconic and the only housewives that have my attention at the moment.

The Morning Show new season. Very good. A little repetitive but good.

Podcasts

Jennifer Lawrence on Las Culturistas. I’m embarrased to say that I’ve actually never listened to the pod before. I did watch their award show however, and was blown away by how hilarious it was. Need to tune in more. This was a good episode - love her or hate her, she is a relatable queen. It also made me realize that despite all the negative reviews, it’s time for me to order the book All Fours.

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