Are You Settling Or Do You Have Unrealistic Expectations?
Let's go over the difference here.
Settling is scary. But what’s even scarier is ending up alone because you are looking for a unicorn. Settling, in my opinion, is a feeling more than anything else. It’s you “forcing it” with someone, as opposed to having feel feelings for them. If we feel strongly about someone even though they don’t meet what we are looking for “on paper,” I truly don’t believe that is settling.
To settle is to know something is off. You either feel in your gut it’s wrong, or this person is simply just not on your level. Settling, as I recently heard Mel Robbins say, is compromising on your values. You need to be aligned in three ways in order for a relationship to work: your head, your heart, and your hooha AKA how physically attracted you are to them. (Have to give credit to Lauren Zander for this one). Your head represents the values, your heart is your gut actually having the right feelings, and physical attraction is the chemistry.
So what does it mean to have unrealistic expectations? Unrealistic expectations happen when you are expecting someone to bring more to the table than you have yourself. They happen when you are expecting from someone what simply isn’t possible. Maybe you are expecting what you see in the movies. You’re expecting a love that exists without the work.
The love you admire is love that took a lot of hard work. And if you’re not willing to put in that work, but you expect to have immediate results, now that is an unrealistic expectation. The apps are partly to blame. They allow and enable us to have unrealistic expectations, letting us swipe away anything less than perfection. I say this all the time in my dating consultations, but next time you are swiping, try to imagine that all of these men or women are standing in front of you at the coffee shop right now. How are you so sure you wouldn’t be attracted to them?
There is so much we don’t know about people. And we owe it to them to spend an hour of our lives seeing if there might be an in-person connection. I urge you to get curious about your own expectations. Maybe be daring and ask someone in your life if they think your expectations are realistic. Or think about your favorite couples. What is working for them? Is it that they both hit the jackpot? Or they have a really good thing going, a thing that they work on every single day?
I’ll break it down for you:
Settling:
Compromising on values (if you want kids, etc)
They don’t even bring half of the things to the table that you do
You’re not attracted to them
You’re not intellectually or emotionally stimulated by them
You’re not proud to say they are your person
No one in your life likes them (let’s be honest, there is usually a reason)
High Expectations:
You expect perfection
You dislike when someone shows weakness
You constantly feel disrespected (but maybe you’re too sensitive)
Very judgemental of others and your default is usually negative
You expect people to treat you the way you treat them (NOPE! We have to set them up to win)
You’re obsessed with finding icks in others
Where do you stand with this? Would love to hear in the comments.
L