Stop Getting Back With Your Ex

I just don't understand how we haven't learned!

We all knew the break up was coming. Some of us didn’t want to accept it, but of course, the beloved Jennifer Lopez and her husband Ben Affleck are divorcing. This led me to post this story yesterday:

Why am I so passionate about this topic, you ask? Well, I’ve done it myself. I’ve had friends do it. I think anyone reading this right now has probably done it. And let us all tell you, it doesn’t work. Are there exceptions to this? Of course there are. But they are few and far between. Let’s talk about why it never, ever works.

There are a few types of getting back with an ex. Here they are:

1. You broke up with them, then you regret it.

2. They broke up with you, then they regret it.

3. You broke up when you were younger, but now you’ve changed and are ready to commit.

As you can probably guess, 3 is the only option that could ever even slightly work. I’ve done the breaking up, and then regretting it. There was a guy who we’ll call Jake. Jake and I met in my early 20s and we dated, but I couldn’t really get into it. I thought he was too nice, too boring, and just overall not for me. I had a feeling he was close to asking me to be his girlfriend when he asked me to be his date to Hamilton original cast on broadway for his birthday.

So I did what any good person does, and I preemptively ended it before anyone could get hurt. We broke up on good terms. Years later, when I was 26, I attended my first friend’s wedding. I was a bridesmaid and he was a groomsman. I am sure it was the rom-com talking, but I was like, this has to be fate. And he looks great in a tux. Let’s try this again. I had totally forgotten why we didn’t work in the first place. Besides, there was no real reason right?

Jake and I got back together. This time it seemed more serious, since we were a little bit older. He started to intertwine with my family. I’ll never forget my uncle pulled me aside during a family gathering and said, “I think he’s too nice for you. He’s got no edge.” That was really the kiss of death for me. It all came back to me. I felt terrible that I started this up just to end it again for the same reason.

Then there was another guy. Let’s call him Harry. Harry and I were really into each other and going hot and heavy for about 3 months. We all know those 3 monthers that really get you. They hurt way more than the longer ones. We talked about it on an episode actually. Anyway, Harry and I had different ideas of fun.

He liked the outdoors and solitude, and at the time, I liked to go out and be social. He didn’t like that I had a lot of friends, and he didn’t like that I wanted to do things other than just hang out in his apartment. But I liked him so much. One day we were hanging out at his place, and I saw my name pop up on his phone. He was venting to our mutual friend about if he should break up with me. I was devastated.

I tried everything to change his mind. I pretended I hated doing things, I pretended to be anything that he would’ve wanted. Looking back, it was so pathetic. We lasted about one more week after that, and then he broke up with me. Luckily, it was summer, and I was able to be out and about with my friends and not focus on the pain of a break up.

A week of no contact went by, and then I ran into him at (of all places) ACME. He wouldn’t leave me alone. Kept trying to go home with me, giving me compliments, buying me drinks without me asking. From then on, he tried everything to get me back. He sent a stuffed animal with a card to the WeWork where my office was, he pleaded with our mutual friends for me to “hear him out.” I felt excited and giddy, instead of what I should have felt which was skeptical and hesitant.

We got back together, and things got serious pretty fast. He had me come to his hometown with him and meet his parents (what is this, the bachelor?) and after getting even more emotionally invested than I had been before, he broke up with me.

I share these intimate stories as examples of how the right person for you does not break up with you. They never, ever will. So next time you find yourself doubting your own feelings when ending something, or hoping that someone will fight for you back, remember that with your person neither of those will be necessary. It will just be.

L