The Psychology Of Why We Stalk The Ex

Everyone does it, but why?

We all do it. Some of us lean more toward stalking our significant other’s ex, and some of us prefer our ex’s new significant other. Whichever way you lean, you can’t deny that it’s been done. And you can’t deny that it’s extremely satisfying in a sick, twisted way.

But WHY do we do it? Let’s first talk about staking our ex’s new significant other since that is my personal favorite. I find this one to be way more interesting than stalking a significant other’s ex. My husband’s ex didn’t know I existed (until we started dating). I came after her. But my ex’s new significant others are very aware of my existance from the second (or maybe even before) they start dating my ex. It’s like a parasocial relationship between us except we are likely both stalking each other so it’s a lot more fun.

When you stalk your ex’s new significant other, you are doing it in an entirely different way than stalking your significant other’s ex. You know this person in and out, and you are wondering if and when this new partner of theirs is going to decide they’ve had enough. It doesn’t matter how much you loved them, who broke up with who, you are still wondering, “will this end?” or “how the fuck is she putting up with his smelly feet?” You get the gist.

Does this behavior mean we are unhappy in our own relationship? No, it literally does not. Does this mean we are not over our ex? Also no. This is just girlhood. Let’s take it back to 2010. I’m at Boston University at the time. My high school ex is now dating a girl from his college. A girl I, obviously, extensively stalked. Unfortunately, at the time, there was only Facebook. But people were ACTIVE on that shit back then. There were photos from more or less every weekend of them. It was giving.

We all go home to NYC for Thanksgiving and he brings her home with him. We go to our local bar as one does, and her and I are face to face. Obviously we both know who the other is. The tension is palpable. We realize, in this moment, we can either pretend to not be aware of the other person’s existence, or we can do what we really want to do, and meet. We ended up meeting, and were very forthcoming about knowing who the other was. It was a truly amazing experience, especially considering I felt like I was in the power position in being his ex.

We were gabbing, and even talking a little bit about my ex/her current boyfriend! He was sweating, and it was truly a joyous moment. The one problem? It ruined the fun of stalking. The whole point of internet stalking your ex’s new girlfriend is that you create this allure about them in your head. They become the hottest or coolest person you know, simply because of their position. They could be gross and ugly and you would still feel this way. When you meet them in person, it kind of ruins it.

But back to the point. Why we do it. We do it because we are curious. We are fun. We are women! We have simple pleasures. Diet coke, stalking our ex’s new girlfriends, pilates, real housewives, you know. We are more complicated than men. We are more interesting. More complex. And this is the nature of our being. So next time you find yourself on your finsta looking at your ex’s new girlfriend’s stories, make sure you remember that it’s not weird, it’s destiny.

L